Shaken and Stirred!

In this blog I will dwell on why alcohol is good for the human populace.  Before going into details, let's be clear: Alcoholism will kill you dead. Drunk driving will kill you, and probably multiple children along the way. There are no medical benefits to chronic drunkenness. For that matter anything in excess is never good.  Try drinking 3 liters of milk every day.  You will end up with so much of calcium in your body that bone joints will get fused.

For all the times that booze gets us in trouble, every now and then it acts like a trusted sidekick, coming in to help us out of potentially embarrassing and life-threatening situations in ways we never thought possible. Let us go over six possible arguments on why alcohol is actually good. And I will start with the sixth one and build up to that primary reason why alcohol is the elixir of life.

Alcohol makes you invincible:

After the fourth or fifth round of drinks, it's not unusual to see some idiot stand up in the middle of the bar and announce how heroically tough he is and demand that you dare him to jump through a plate glass window. A 22-year-old Russian, Alexei Roskov, however, decided to dare himself and jumped out of his kitchen window after guzzling three entire bottles of vodka. This was a particularly bad idea given that he lived on the fifth floor of his apartment building.

Not only did he not splat messily into the sidewalk like an alcohol-soaked sponge, but to his wife's relief and his own drunken amusement, he wasn't hurt. At all.  The paramedics that arrived on the scene where baffled to find that Alexei had only a few cuts and bruises after diving from his apartment. They presumably punched him in the damn face for wasting their time.

The reason Alexei didn't explode into the sidewalk like a bottle of pickled meat was the same thing that caused him to try it in the first place; the vodka. A drunk central nervous system is numb, causing the muscles in the body to relax. So, the same drunken reflexes made Alexei's body less likely to tense up in anticipation of the impact, which it turn saved his body and limbs from snapping like twigs.

So in a sense his rampaging alcoholism saved his life despite pushing him from the ledge in the first place.

Alcohol in moderation improves Libido:

 I would have liked to dwell further into this but since talking about sex is taboo as per the “Indian culture”, I will just leave you with that thought.

Alcohol can keep your brain alive: 

According to actual doctors, and presumably not just drunk ones, having a moderate amount of alcohol in your system can actually prevent death from brain trauma. Ironic, considering booze was probably the pied piper that led one to the land of severe head injury in the first place. In a study involving almost 40,000 cases, researchers found that in younger patients with less severe injuries, having alcohol in their systems actually prevented the spread of swelling and inflammation in their brains. Alcohol apparently suppresses the body's inflammatory response. They go so far as to suggest the possibility of administering ethanol to patients with head injuries in the future. So hopefully it's only a matter of time when the first responders answer emergency calls with a fully stocked bar in the back.

Alcohol makes you smarter:

According to the British Medical Journal, regularly drinking a moderate amount of alcohol can actually have a positive effect on your cognitive ability, keeping you safe from later onset of brain disease and correctly determining a 5 percent tip on your bar tab. I guess that is a good cue for all Indian Administrative Services aspirants.

Alcohol is a poison antidote: 

Catechism class. Pastor.  Worm. Water. Whisky.  I rest my case on this.

Now for the clincher.  Alcohol can help you lose weight:

In a massive study of 37,000 people, the thinnest people were not the non-drinkers. It was the people who had a few drinks a week. Not surprisingly, the occasional binge-drinkers were the fattest. You need proof.  I am a living example.  I have hovered between 69 and 72 kilos for the past twenty years and I do enjoy my drink a few times every week. So your next trip out to the bar could potentially qualify as a full-blown workout.

Given the arguments I have placed I would like to say with complete confidence; that bottle of scotch is in effect the Super Soldier Serum. This effectively makes prohibition a Super Villain.