Unmasked

Espspcricinfo.com is my daily resource to whet my appetite to keep abreast with what happens in the world of cricket. The Espn site has contributions from writers of all hue, one of my favourites being the ex-Kiwi skipper, Martin Crowe. His writing is as elegant and impactful as his batting in his hey days.  There was this one article which particularly caught my attention. He had written this when Jonathan Trott was struggling during the Ashes series in Australia. During the course of the article he wrote about the facade which sports men or women create to insulate themselves, and how Trott was getting unraveled.

The article set me thinking; am I hiding behind a mask? As thoughts swirled in my mind, I began to dwell on the way we all have a mask, a facade behind which we feel secure and pretend.

We humans are hypocrites; every one of us, baring none. We all wear masks, although the extent to which we layer ourselves or are aware of them varies. Typically masks are the personality layer, or persona, that we put on top of the real thing.  They are the edited and decorated versions we prefer to show to the world. What they shield are those parts of us that for whatever reasons, we don’t like or accept; or that others need us to hide to make them feel more comfortable. However for the most part, we don’t even realise that the masks exist.

I wrote down, without over-thinking, five qualities, which I believe defines me; strong, open, tolerant, respectful, and demanding. For each I write down an opposite; vulnerable, closed, intolerant, disrespectful and casual.

This set the cat among the pigeons. Questions popped up. Am I really as strong as I think I am, or am I vulnerable and insecure? How open am I as a person or am I actually closed? Am I as tolerant as I project myself to be? Am I truly respectful? How demanding am I or is it that I am actually casual? As I tried answering these questions, I felt I have a split-personality disorder.  Phrases and words raged; schizophrenia, Dr.Jekkyl and Mr.Hyde.

The reasons we develop masks are complex but there’s no doubt that character, parenting and culture all take part in the early moulding.  Although what is acceptable or unacceptable differs, the end-game of mask-making is the same. To spit out a self that at least largely satisfies the collective social consciousness.

This is in itself is not a bad thing. Humans are pack animals who need to know the rules so that they can fit in.  Where it works against us is when, as adults, the behaviours that stem from those masks, start to interfere. The skills we need to survive in one environment can stop us from being authentic or having real needs met in another place and time.

We are all flawed and vulnerable, although to different degrees. Some of us are just better at hiding it than others, even to ourselves. While we might buy into an image, at least until it starts to give way, which it inevitably does, it’s all just bluff and bluster. There are costs to being masked. The inability to express ourselves and show real feelings prevents us from experiencing real intimacy in relationships. We become very attached to our own projections and perceptions.

Even at work, where it’s expected that we manage ourselves professionally, there’s a gap between authentic leaders and colleagues and those shape-shifters who become what others want them to be. Who are you; we ask when they speak, what do you really want? We don’t take them at face value because we don’t know which face they have on. On the flip side, we offer what-you-see-is-what-you-get types something invaluable; our trust, and equally, we have theirs.

When propping up a persona, our behavioural choices narrow. Always having to be up, or in control, or confined to a limiting role is exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to keep a mask in place; it becomes exhausting. We long to let down our guard, and maybe we can; but first we must try and understand why the masks are there.

For many, masks are the protective barrier put up to deal with an essential human insecurity; that we are not enough the way we are. The extent to which we are insecure varies, some people have intact selves, others need constant external validation; but anyone who claims they don’t have self-doubt is deceiving them self, even if unconsciously. Sometimes we confuse our masks with who we are. Separating the image of who we think we should be from who we want to be can be difficult. It means recognising that we did not grow up in a vacuum.

Disentangling projections and defenses is tough emotional work, but the rewards are great. Drop the need to be perfect and one may discover how much more one can get done, or that one’s quirky, or maybe not as patient. Taking off the mask makes us more of who we are, not less.

Underneath the mask is usually a wound that comes from having a part of yourself rejected, by yourself or others. As long as you need the mask it means the wound is in control, not you. Now that I realise that everyone I know is putting up a facade of pretence, it’s time that I determine who I really am. My facade speaks to whatever I am trying to hide and take refuge in. I need to try and get the mask off.  Can I? Will I be allowed to? I need to find the answers.